This is a true story. I share with you now the words of the wise…
Beloved husband of mine,
Yes, yes, I know that I have called you many things before and ‘beloved’ was not one of them – but you have to admit, they were all true, so move on buffoon and consider yourself lucky just this once.
Where was I? A-ha! Husband, (was that better?) your cup of luck positively runs over because today, I have found wisdom and my time of enlightenment will save your life and the lives of all those fools you pretend to be manly with.
I have been chosen to bring a message so powerful that women everywhere will revere my name and men will ignore me at their peril!
I am not sure you, husband, are ready for this (so wise is it) but I have always believed (because I am so kind) in keeping the plebs in life informed. We need plebs. You can thank me later… on to the wisdom, I say.
Once you have read this, commit it to memory for never again will such generous knowledge be shared with humanity… or you. I am so proud to bring you this moment of truth that I must dab the tears in my eyes right now. Oh happiness! O Joy! And though you may never be ready, or worthy, here we go…
I AM WOMAN AND THESE ARE THE RULES
1. Thou shalt adore only me. In thine eyes there had better not be the image of another or I shall poke your eyes out and then get you where it realllllllllllllly hurts! Got it?
2. Thou shalt respect my privacy and the secrets I keep. I know exactly where my chocolates are and how much I left behind. If thou toucheth my stash, thou hast best leave the country… real fast.
3. Thou must remember that I have the patience of a saint but my graciousness can only go so far. If thou fails to do things immediately, my wrath shall be felt and continue to be felt and thou shalt never forget it. Art thou clear?
4. Thou shalt not lead me into temptation for I can find it myself and I am perfectly happy to do so. His name is Bryan and that will be all you needeth to know. (All women may substitute this name with a name of thine own choosing and pleasure).
5. Thou lives only to serve… me! Ignore this at thine own peril too!
6. To thine wife’s favourite shops thou shalt go… and happily… and often. There shalt be numerous purchases and thou shalt not utter a word; or else. Know that the consequences of an ‘or else’ art not what thou wisheth to hear! Comprehendeth?
7. Thou must learn to say “thou has absolute power” to one’s wife daily. To be with such a woman is reward enough. Therefore, thou shalt forfeit all rights and defer all control to me.
8. It is delusional to think that thou hast any say in what thou weareth. It is common knowledge that only men in tights have any dress sense and therefore, all that clothe ye shall be on your wife’s say so. Utter one word and tights shalt become thy favourite… art thou interested in joining the men in tights?
9. If thou knowest what is good for ye, thou shalt never tell a woman she is moody. “Off with his head” has been uttered for less. It is a foolish soul who enters such territory unless one is carrying chocolate and alcohol – preferably together – and lots of it. Even then, thou art only permitted to serve these things and then leave. Rule 5 says so. Thy head shall be spared if thou learneth this quickly.
10. Thou shalt obey… everything… especially me!
Oh husband (I could get used to this, it suits you), I am so happy. Life shall be glorious for us now that you know your place. I cannot wait to share my joy with the world… why, with wisdom like this, I will be famous. It is a great day… a great day indeed. Can’t you just feel the love? You really are a lucky pleb!
Love from she who really must be obeyed, adored and given chocolates… or else.